mehhh

argh

I HATE SNOW/WINTER!

>:|

That is all...

Currently Listening Final Fantasy III: Original Sound Version By Nobuo Uematsu "Dancing Mad" see related

hrm..

So, I find a have a hard time expressing some things anymore (er, not that I haven't always been like that to an extent for one reason or another), I don't even really feel too comforable typing about personal things in a "blog" anymore, and haven't for a long time, and sure, hence why I do not keep up with this or my livejournal anymore..

Not sure what caused me to feel like that but sometimes it's a bit like I've become more and more closed in with my feelings, lol. Sometimes I keep a lot of things to myself and don't tend to feel like I have anyone to talk to. Eh..I tend to have a lack of anyone I am very comfortable mostly or completely being open to.. For various reasons, I suppose. A lot of it to do with past experiances, methinks. Ummm. Yeah. Also sometimes I have a hard time expressing all the thoughts and feelings bouncing around in my head. It cant be hard to know what to write about, and sometimes I can't even quite form things into words or anything that really make sense or fully explain. hahah. I'm having a bit of a hard time now as I type this bit, even. o_O;; So then there's a combination of that. And, also, I think, worrying too much about what other people think..? But certain things just might be /too/ personal. XP I dunno. Some things I might not want to be annoying by mentioning... some things I might not feel I'd be understood... and etc., etc., I guess so many reasons and it all varies depending on WHAT subject matter...eh.

...*shrug*...
I do have some people I can talk to, but it's limited and I still keep a lot of things to myself, hahah. (I suppose comfort level of either with the person, with sharing things, the topic itself, or not wanting to be annoying by 'whining about my problems' or something too much, heh.)  I dunno. I have MEBBE 3 people I can go to with some more serious stuff...3..or 4..depending.. that does but doesn't sound like a lot. Thing is, I can't go to a single person with /everything/. lol. And it might be varying topics and/or to varying /degrees/ with these people. I have an online friend that I had for several years that we used to talk all the time..but not so much anymore (life kind of pulled us away, I dunno...though that isn't the best excuse :|) ...SOMETIMES we talk a LITTLE every once in a while, and SOMETIMES I'll go to her with something..but she can't really give advice so much for the things I'd bring to her--but still I valued the fact that she "listened", so to speak. (lol, well, she was online, so it was typing and reading then ;D)

Anyways. So, real life, friends-wise, I have two people I could go to with more personal things. Which I am very thankful for these guys... I dunno, one of them, I can go to with some things I might not be comfortable with otherwise, also I am pretty trusting or respectable of her advice (hmm, well, also, sometimes her boyfriend can be helpful, but I wouldn't just generally go to /him/ to talk about problems, lol, to a little bit of an extent, though, sure...but usually if I tell him certain things, it's because Lizz has me talk to the BOTH of them on some things, lol... o.O)..and the same with the other friend, only we talk even more and so that is being very helpful too...also this person and I can really relate, so that's great. ^_^' Um...then, of course, there's Shawn. But I don't feel fully comfortable talking to him about some things.. *shrugs* I dunno, with some events (uhh, quite a while longer ago.), I somewhat stopped feeling as comfortable expressing things to him, lol. Also I wish he'd be a bit more open... or we'd talk more (used to talk a lot..), sometimes, in general. *shrugs*

So yeh...lack people I can talk to about certian things.
Also to hang out with. hahah. Only a few people bother to really hangout with me..I guess there's 4 friends, but it's technically like 3 because I don't really hangout with Jake and Lizz seperate so much, usually they're BOTH around, lol, so. Also I am not much of a phone person. :s I don't tend to call people ever, unless they call me... (I have like..a phone phobia, lol. I dunno. Just trouble calling--makes me nervous..also I don't wanna be bothering whoever, so I guess I figure, if they want something or want to talk, they'll call me. ... I'll call other people, if I really need to [example: last monday, going to Jake and Lizz's new apartment: I had to call Jake for help finding it. o_O] ...so if I have a specific purpose to... orr..if I know it's ok to call and they want me to, I might. lol. But phones can be kinda awkward, I dunno.) ...lol, I prolly do that too much for the most part, kinda shut myself out unless others come to me... BUT.. not always, else I'd have not made friends say..in college, or anything, ever. xD I mean. I've gotten somewhat better. But one thing--always been horribly shy. lol. Around the right people, I am not. But.. I dunno. Some people I can be myself around (^_^ ..) and then there's times where I just feel kinda socially inept and dunno what to say or am just really quiet..or I dunno.

Which sadly, I am not in college now, so that is severely inhibiting my social interaction, there. :p Harder to keep in touch with some friends there..also, makes it hard for me to make any new friends. lol. I have no way to make any more even. That was the only way. :p Otherwise my activities consist of ...home, Shawn, church (well, when I do go anymore... though lately most of that is just I am not really awake during the day :| Totally missed the past two Sundays because of that, BUT I have went to the past two WEDNESDAYs...), sometimes hanging out with friends..which is usually the same few. (which really I am fine with and wish to hangout with them more...) Anyways, Church.. yeah. Um. Yeah, don't really talk to people there so much...I don't even think I normally like going to that Church, honestly, and I am talking about that and some other things related to that topic and on, with one of my friends... err, but that starts to go into another topic, anyways. But I mean, I dunno. It's not exactly that the people aren't nice or friendly..then again, I dunno. Well there's several things to go with that, but. I do not quite fit in, or at least I feel that way. Also, it gets annoying to go and have certain people kinda ignore me. Not always, but happens a lot. I mean. Really, I hate it when I am there and someone will come up and say hi to Shawn and talk to him...without saying a word to me. That might kinda just give a glance at me and otherwise ignore me, or just totally ignore me, anyway. Um. Hello? ..I mean...Maybe /I/ should say hi to THEM, but somehow I think that is beyond the point. Because that is kind of awkward--"Hey Shawn", then for me to butt in and say "hi" to them right after they were NOT talking to me. :P Also, usually the person will start talking. *shrugs* But, I mean, seriously, you'd think they could say hi to me, as well, as I AM FREAKING RIGHT THERE!!! ... :| And since they do that, then I just kinda tend to end up sitting where I am before or after church service/Bible study, keeping to myself. I dunno, no one there really cares about /me/... :p They wouldn't care about me or what's going on with me really, or anything--if they'd concern themselves with anything about me, it'd be about when I DON'T show up to church--and just that fact. lol.

uhhh ok and now I don't feel like finishing this, I dunno when I am going with it anyway, and also I am chickening out on posting this so anyone can even read it. ;) *so therefore is pointlessly putting any of what she JUST typed up, hahah.* Whee, talking to myself. :P

Currently Listening Pork Soda By Primus "Welcome to This World" see related

. . .

Ok. So now it is 7:33am and my cell phone says 6:31am.
LOLWHUT

Also, I am still up.

...

NO, JK... I TYPED THIS IN MY SLEEP LOLZ.

Currently Listening Caress of Steel By Rush "I Think I'm Going Bald" ....rofl. see related

I am uncreative with titles.

Hmm, so my cell phone seems to be on it's "last leg", so to speak.
Or something. I swear. It has some... quirky ...issues.
O' course, it's had some water damage for some time now, hm.. o_O

But...the sound on the texts on the "soft" setting...no longer works. It freaked out then stopped working at least a couple months ago? The screen stopped working once (everything else still worked though...o_O) But never had that problem again, the screen currently works. Sometimes it does some funny things when closed... The screen will get black bars above and below (lolzwidescreen) ...sometimes I swear it changes sound settings /itself/.  I'll put it on "silent" only for it to mysteriously be back on "loud". o_O;; I have to leave my phone on "loud" if I want to HEAR when I get texts. It recently freaked out on me on THAT setting...(what I mean by "freak out", is if I get a text...it'll START to make the noise but then like..get stuck on a pitch and keep going like a broken record...and it's really annoying. :| ...) So I'm worried it's going to KEEP doingthat or the sound for texts shall disappear on that particular sound setting...so then I'll never
be able to hear when I get texts again. XD;; Oh my. THEN. Then the durned thing was trying to tell me it was 5:41am when it was 6:25am or something like that. o.o Recently it just slightly caught back up now, and says "6:31am"...but is still actually behind a few minutes. Errrmmm... ??? So I dunno what the deal with THAT is even.

Just waiting for the thing to die. xD;;
...Which would then be horribly bad, because I'd no longer have a phone.
So hopefully it somehow doesn't completely stop working... o-o;

Other than that..lesse, been being nocturnal...
Going to sleep anywhere from 5 to 10am...sleeping until 3-5pm or later... o_O
Yesterday I slept maybe a COLLECTIVE of 4-5 hours. I slept a couple/few hours
at one point,  then was up for several hours until 11am. Then slept until around 2pm.
LOL, ok, for that, you'd think I'd have ever gotten really tired and would have went to
bed at atlight a /slightly/ normal time..but noo..here I am at 6:46am, typing this...
Been up all night. xD; *sigh* lol. And no, I don't want this dumb sleeping schedule
but I cannot seem to sleep normal... hrrmmm... :| I dunno.

.....
Yes, an entry about my cell phone's dumbosity (I'S CAN MAKE WORDS?) and my nocturnalness.
Totally. :p

Y'know, typing this was prolly just an excuse to...NOT go to bed..:p lawls.
uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Yep. Off I go now.
I don't know if I'll actually attempt sleeping or put that off for some more time..

Currently Listening Keasbey Nights By Catch 22 On and On and On see related

temporary background 8D

... Because I get tired of there just being white in the background whenever I DO look here. >:( lol. umm. Yeah. So new (temporary) background. uhh... it's nearly the same thing I had before..but not /quite/. o_O Apparently I don't have the actual full background itself on my current computer....err. Ok. And since it disappeared off the internet... (hmm, next time if I upload that to my photobucket instead of imageshack :X) If I REALLY want it back, I'm gonna hafta set up my old computer somewheres and retrive my xanga background offa it.. o_O;; blaahhhhh. But yeah. um. Yep. I did totally just write an entry to simple talk about this. What do you know. e_e;;

:D;;